The Pursuit of Unhappiness

Whether if its left leaning tree huggers, or evangelical extremists, there has been a lot of debate on whether "The Gays" should marry or even adopt kids.  Recently, Iowa (the land of cornhusking) has made it so that men who enjoy husking ears of corn into each other can now legally marry.  Over the past years, The Gays have had numerous successes and setbacks in their quest to marry, and have families.  After little deliberation since I really could give a flying crap either way, I have come up with certain realizations.  Why should heterosexual couples be the only ones to suffer in an endless abyss of responsibility, heightened pressure, and fiscal losses?  Why should The Gays be excluded from the pursuit of unhappiness? Personally, I don't understand why they are such in a rush to attach the ball and chain to their lives.  Have you ever seen "The Gays?"  They are so happy, and festive.  They wear the finest of clothes, eat at the most luxurious delicacies, and take the most "fabulous" vacations.   

Me:  "Hey Mike, where are you taking Elaine and the kids this summer for vacation?

Mike:  *Starts to frown, lets out long, drawn out sighs, looks down at the floor*..."Cant afford anything special, probably to the water park or Six Flags and then to the Golden Corral (Place where fat folks, broke folks, and church folks consider fine dining)"

Me:  "Hey Marco, where are you and Lorenzo going this summer for vacation?"

Marco:  *Smiling, beaming with happiness*..."Im so glad you asked, well we probably will go to Europe...you know London, Paris, stay at a Villa in Naples, crush some grapes and make wine, trek across the Netherlands."

I  mean which scenario looks more appealing to you?  This happened to me recently...

Me:  *Excited, full of love and wonder looking at my newest technological gadget*..."Hey Larry, I got this new iPhone, fam its so cool, it got mad Applications, its the greatest phone ever fam!!!"

Larry:  *Looks at me like James Evans from Good Times after he got fired from working a car wash because he only has a 3rd grade education*..."Why you talking to me about iPhones fam? I got kids, a wife, bills, a leaky roof.  My boss is at my throat.  I'm in a 20 year contract with Sprint and it will cost me 1,000,000 dollars to break it.  My wife wants a new ring.  F**k your happiness man...I still got a phone from 2002...

Vs....

Me:  Marco, I got this new iPhone and it is simply the best.  I can do anything I want, mad apps, mad fun!!!

Marco:  Thats great man.  Lawrence and I waited outside of an Apple Store when they were first released.  We broke our Sprint contracts that same day, and made a date out of getting new iPhones, isn't that cute?  We both have matching lime green gel cases and other unnecessary accessories Apple says you "need.  Wow man, let me show you some Apps you can try.  I'm so excited for you!!!  *Clicks heels like Mary Tyler Moore*

*See the difference?*

I mean what happened there in the first instance?  Here I am, trying to make conversation and share my newfound discovery with my friend and all he can do is rob me of my enthusiasm because his life sucks more than an episode of House of Payne.  Heterosexual married couples are just like the family from Good Times.  A gay militant son, a sassy beautiful daughter, extremely untalented dorky son, and a marginally average wife with no neck.  Florida Evans had no neck.  When she wore turtlenecks, they would cover up her face.  She used turtlenecks as ski masks  due to her lack of neck vertebrae.   And why couldn't James keep a job? How in the hell did he only have a third grade education?  Who gets fired from a car wash?  He was that dumb that he couldn't even wash a car?  You need more then a third grade education to clean tires?  Even a retard could do that job, wax on and wax off but I guess maybe they were trying to say that black men were soooo worthless, we couldn't even hold down the measliest of jobs, or support our families.  Come to think of it, all the black men were either fat jolly landlords, drunks, slick con-men, coons or worthless third-grade educated, cant keep a car wash job losers.  This is a topic for another day but I digress.  James Evans represents every married heterosexual man in America.  More stressed out then Star Jones springboard mattresses before she had surgery that transformed her from a Payless shoe wearing wilder beast to a hybrid version of a starved Somalian mixed with E.T. with saggy skin dangling off her arms.  Mad, with feelings of frustration and failure...throwing chairs due to hypertension, cant hold jobs or keep money for himself.  He always had on tan corduroys.  The Gays, I ask you.  Do you really want to wear tan corduroys everyday?  If not, dont marry...

The grass is always greener on the other side.  Imagine if your gay/lesbian lover divorces you and takes half of what you have, leaving you with gaylimony payments and child support.  Have you ever seen how distressed mothers look in Wal-Mart when their rugrats are running around, stealing items you can't afford because you are on a shoestring budget and just making more noise than a black family reunion?  The fights, the sexless marriages, expensive crumb snatchers also known as bundles of joy, having a million redundant conversations about "feelings" when you would rather watch Project Runway.  You all are living the lifestyle minus the gay sex.  Kids are a pain, they are like the Mercedes you always wanted at a 20 percent interest rate, with expensive maintenance (oil change cost 1,000 dollars).   Don't ruin a good thing, but ultimately, you all shouldn't be be excluded from the pursuit of unhappiness. 

I'm just saying...It's not funny.

Stevie Wonder is a Blind Coon

I type this as I listen to Nas's "Coon Picnic" and watch Spike Lee's "Bamboozled"...*

As I was blasting Greg Gumbel for his coonness and his preference for only wearing hairpieces that are made from 100 percent Caucasian hair. I had a certain epiphany, a moment of clarity, that gave me newfound insight on one of our most beloved figures and musical geniuses of our generation.  Me being the afrocentric, self-righteous, intellectual with a racist and hypocritical view of life and a healthy dosage of self-hate, came to a certain realization.......Stevie Wonder is a blind coon.

Oh yes, it's true.  Think about it people, he shucks and jives when he peforms, always with a big ass kool-aid smile, swerving his head 
obnoxiously like a damn buffoon, clapping his hands like a chimpanzee or Coco the Monkey. Oh, and dont let this blind coon take out his harmonica and start playing it like he is having epileptic seizures.

It broke my heart to say it, but dammit I must point out other peoples inadequacies and faults while ignoring mine and gloating in self-importance and a fictitious sense of morality and Blackness.

Hey and for the hell of it, lets put Ray Charles in that category...You got the right one babyyyyy!!!!!

His willingness to dance and sing, and exaggerate syllables for million dollar checks with the Caucasian owned company Pepsi made me sick. May God have mercy on his uncle tom soul. How "Ray", movie about a blind man garners so much acclaim and awards, baffles the human mind.  I mean, was his life or his music that interesting, or was the fact that he was blind propel him to a demi-god level?

Any man or woman, who will smile and dance for massuh for an extra serving of chitterlings and fried chicken deserves to have his/her skin bleached like Michael Jackson and be forced to watch Tyler Perry movies for 72 hours straight to understand how to live their life as a true black man...

And I know what you all are thinking, "Stevie made classic music, he's blind, how can you talk about a blind man?" Blind men lost sympathy years ago when they fought for the Blind Olympics, their petitions and voter drives to get Blind Canine Companions (I mean they should walk across the street by themselves like everyone else), and books with braille. They have all the opportunities as us regular people who were born with eyesight, so they should also partake in the negatives of life as well.  Take a look at the comicbook super hero DareDevil, thats a real blind man. He's out there kicking ass and walking into buildings like a true blind hero, even though his cane or walking stick makes him look sweet like Mr. 808s and Heartbreaks himself, Kanye West. Those blind bastards are equal, we all are, even midgets, and.......retards.

So Stevie Wonder, you blind coon, be ashamed, very ashamed...

I'm just saying............It's not funny.